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Mixed Martial Arts from A to Z: An Idiot’s Guide to the Fight Game

Mixed martial arts is everywhere, there’s absolutely no way to escape it.  Chances are someone at work will find out that you’re a fan and ask if Anderson Silva would have a chance against Bruce Lee.  Maybe your girlfriend is confused by what’s going on, yet finds GSP “really hot.”  You’re probably really frustrated that you have to explain all this to the uninitiated.  So for your sanity I’ve put this simple guide together to help you and yours understand this crazy sport.

A-    Is by far the sexiest letter in the MMA alphabet.  It belongs to Arianny Celeste and Yoshihiro Akiyama.  Arianny is the uber-hot Octagon girl whose Playboy issue you have hidden in your sock drawer.  Daddy likey.  Despite a 1-2 record in the Octagon, Akiyama is still a man you wouldn’t leave your girlfriend alone with.  That’s why they call him Sexyama.

B-    Stands for Brock Lesnar – ex pro-wrestler and trash talking former UFC heavyweight champion.  He’s the biggest pay-per-view draw in the company yet his intestines have turned on him and put him out of commission.  B is also for Bisping.  Michael “The Count” Bisping is the UFC’s biggest British drawing card and a total tosser.  That’s British for wanker.

C-    Is for Chael Sonnen, the sport’s biggest irritant.  If you’re having a bad day ask yourself,  “did I squander an easy UFC middleweight title win in the final minutes of the fight?”  You didn’t?  That’s because you’re not Chael.  So cheer up.  It also stands for Cain, as in Velasquez-the baddest heavyweight alive, and for Cyborg (Evangelista and Cris), the first couple of MMA and the ideal candidates for a couples date.

D-    “Do you want to be a f*cking fighter?”  By speaking those words a former cardio boxing instructor and junior college dropout named Dana White took the reins of the UFC and built it into a multi-million dollar organization. D is also for the Diaz brothers– Nate and Nick, who have taken slap boxing and trash talking in the cage to new heights.  Don’t be scared, homie.

E-    Is a letter for champions.  UFC Lightweight champion Frankie “The Answer” Edgar showed us the Jersey Shore is capable of producing more than fist pumping guidos Italian-Americans when he handed B.J. Penn his ass not once, but twice last year.  Don’t forget about “Suga” Rashad Evans, the showboating, crotch-grabbing, Twitter-feuding former UFC Light Heavyweight champion.

F-     Fedor Emelianenko is the greatest heavyweight of all time.  There is no debate.  It is said that the teardrops of Fedor nourish Russian babies.  Forrest Griffin is by far the best author in all of MMA.  He’s easy to relate to because he’s slow and athletic like you.  He just works harder.

G-   Remember that guy in the early UFC’s who wore his pajamas and choked everyone to the death?  That was Royce Gracie.  His family gave birth to the sport of the UFC and we have been hooking up with it ever since.  Georges St. Pierre has beaten nearly every top UFC welterweight.  He does this despite the obvious handicap of being Canadian.

H-    Matt Hughes became the welterweight champion and a UFC Hall of Famer while also being pretty handy around the farm.  When he wasn’t plowing fields he was plowing guys like Frank Trigg into the ground to make a legendary career.  Dan Henderson AKA Hendo is the former double champion of Pride and current Light Heavyweight champion of Strikeforce.  His right hand is lethal, yet sadly he did not kill Bisping with it.

I-       Chuck “The Iceman” Liddell is a legendary knockout artist and UFC Hall of Famer.  He was also legendary for his partying exploits.  I’d give anything to be Chuck Liddell in a Vegas club circa 2006.  Or now.  Also you may have noticed an alarming number of kids and adults sporting Mohawks.  Thanks Chuck.

J-      Jon “Bones” Jones is better than you and me.  In one week he foiled a crime, destroyed Shogun, sat on Jay Leno’s couch, and took a creepy seminude picture with Kirstie Alley.  We’ll let that last thing slide.  Spinning elbows, foot sweeps, and suplexes are the norm for Jones, who recently participated in a black on black crime feud on Twitter with Rashad Evans.

K-   Kimbo Slice is a terrible fighter, no doubt about it – yet everything he did was hilarious.  He actually uttered the phrases “I came to thump” and “Lord, I get to bang again” on national television!  His whole gimmick was to talk about putting his hands on people, but truthfully he barely touched anyone in his MMA career.  If you’re not convinced this guy is comedy gold, re-watch his fight with Seth Petruzelli and try to keep a straight face.

L-    Some call him “The Dragon” or “The Karate Kid.”  I’ll best remember Lyoto Machida for telling me “if you have a dream in your life, go head it’s possible!”  His karate skills are off the charts, especially when he crane-kicked that old man to death.  Chris Leben is so bad-ass that he kept walking towards Sexyama even when he was out on his feet.  It was like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”  He is best known for destroying the TUF house and Wanderlei Silva.

M-  Mayhem.  Minowaman.  Mauro.  Mir.  Mitrione.  ‘Nuff said.

N-    As in Nogueira.  If there was ever an award for parents who made their sons the most identical twins of all time it goes to the Nogueiras.  One is Antonio Rodrigo.  The other is Antonio Rogerio.  Oh I’m sure nicknames will shore up the confusion!  Nope.  Minotauro meet Minotoro.  And they’re both legendary mixed martial artists who have had success in Japan and mixed results in the UFC.  How do you tell them apart?  One of them has a scar on his back from being run over by a truck.  You can’t make this stuff up.

O-    As in “oh my god Tito Ortiz just choked out Bader!”  We have to thank Tito for tirelessly campaigning for the sports in the dark ages and for giving us moments like last Saturday night.  Now if only we could just get him to stop fighting with Jenna Jameson on Twitter.  O also stands for Overeem.  Alistair Overeem is a former middling light heavyweight who gained forty pounds and has become an elite heavyweight.  Keyboard warriors worship him and will defend him to the death.  Or until their parents needs to use the computer.

P-     B.J. Penn is the most talented guy in all of MMA yet his mental lapses and lethargic attitude have prevented him from becoming the GOAT.  I’m not sure if he actually trains because every time he’s on a UFC countdown all they show is him jumping off a cliff.  P also stands for Pitbull, one of the most over-used nicknames in the sport.

Q-    Should we go with Nate Quarry or Quinn Mulhern?  Chances are you have no idea who Mulhern is, so we’ll go with Nate.  Quarry got his start as the voice of reason in the first season of “The Ultimate Fighter” and has gone on to a solid, yet unspectacular career in the UFC.  He is best known for his D-Day-esque Octagon victory celebrations.  I have not ever had a man-crush on him.

R-     Is an outspoken letter.  Let’s start with Rampage Jackson, one of the funniest fighters in the sport and a former UFC champion.  He parlayed his unique personality into a role in last year’s “A-Team” flick alongside Phil from “The Hangover” and the guy from “Taken.”  He was last seen telling a female reporter, “Jamaican me horny.”  Joe Rogan is the UFC’s color commentator and a hell of a stand up comic.  He once said, “if Tyson Griffin was a girl he’d have a badonkadonk.”

S-     Stands for Silva, one of the most common last names in the sport.  Anderson is the best in the world, Wanderlei is the most beloved, Antonio has the biggest chin, and Thiago tried to pass off animal urine as his own.  To top it off, the UFC’s matchmaker is Joe Silva.  Somehow, someway, none of them are related.

T-    Feeling a little moody?  Low on energy?  Then try testosterone replacement therapy.  If it works for Nate Marquardt and Chael Sonnen – it can’t be bad right?  Twitter is the preferred means of communication for MMA fighters and fans.  UFC fighters can get bonuses for having awesome Twitter accounts.  If it’s your birthday, an MMA fighter most likely will give you a retweet.

U-    Urijah Faber is the coolest dude in the sport.  He has great hair and better submissions.  He can often be found “skipping rope like a little schoolchild.”  He is also physically incapable of wearing a shirt.

V-    Vitor Belfort has the fastest hands in the business.  His wife is a Brazilian model and actress.  Sign me up.

W-  Mr. Wonderful is Phil Davis, light heavyweight UFC contender.  Do not under any circumstances let your wife or significant other see pictures of him weighing in because she’ll probably ask “babe, when was the last time you went to the gym?”  Damn you Phil.

X-    Is for Xtreme Couture, the star-studded Las Vegas MMA gym founded by UFC legend Randy Couture.  Randy, Forrest Griffin, Gray Maynard, Tyson Griffin, and Vitor Belfort train here.  The worst guy at this gym would mop the floor with your entire karate class in one night.

Y-    Yushin Okami is the top Japanese fighter in the sport.  He fights Anderson Silva for the title in a month and is his country’s lone defense against Godzilla attacks.

Z-     Zombies are great, but they are much cooler when they are Korean.  Chan Sung Jung AKA “The Korean Zombie” fought Leonard Garcia in the most exciting MMA/sloppy kickboxing match of all time.  He lost that first fight, but got his revenge in March by submitting Garcia with a Twister.  That move is painful, like watching the movie “Twister.”


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